Sometimes we need to realise the things we don’t want so that we can figure out whatever it is that we do want! (Thanks Beanie)
I remember being about five when I was first asked what I wanted to be when I was “grown up.” It is from this point on that I believe we are socially constructed to gear our future towards “becoming something.” My older sister may have had it right when she wrote on her year book for first grade that when she was older, she wanted to be rich! Good luck with that Gabs, have you got your diploma in “how to be rich” studies yet? I don’t remember what I said, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t nearly as ambitious as this.
Most children would answer this question with being a doctor, or lawyer, or fireman, but a lot changes from that point to when it actually comes time to choosing. Hell, some of us are still trying to decide. Me included! But it is so hard! From an age before we know how to correctly spell most of our job titles, society has us believe that we have to find something “to do”, or find someone “to be” when we are older. We have to make something of ourselves and become “someone,” with some sort of title.
Figuring all this out would have to be one of my greatest anxieties. Most people when I voice my concern say that I’m young and I have plenty of time to figure it out…No. When I was five I was young and had plenty of time to figure it out. Fast forward 17 years and I still don’t have a clue, in fact I think I am even more confused than I was back then, and now time seems to be flying by and I’ll soon be nearing a quarter of a century. When do I stop being “young” and become too old to be figuring it all out still? It was a lot easier to choose from the ten or so professions I knew when I was young, where as now I am equipped with the knowledge that there is a whole big world of possibilities out there and the choice is freaking me the f*ck out, because with so many options I STILL DON’T KNOW!
But, as trial and error in adult life comes to play, I may be inching closer to having a better idea…
It hasn’t even been two weeks at my first job in the real world, but I can quite safely say that I do not think a desk job is my calling. I get antsy, and restless, and a really sore neck and shoulders that are beginning to make me fear I will soon be mistaken for Quasimodo. I think my colleagues might be worried I have a bladder problem too, because I get up to go bathroom at least once an hour, just to do something…So I can cross desk job, of any sort, off the list. I definitely need to be doing something more active, more for my sanity than anything else. I feel it’s in my “blood.”
Do you remember that wise woman I mentioned at the beginning of the story? Well, after she told me that figuring out what I didn’t like, might lead me to figuring out what I do like, she told me to write down anything I enjoy and make small goals of working towards those things (more wise words of wisdom thank you Beanie) but alas this leads me to my next obstacle, and most certainly a contributing factor to the problem at large…there are SO many things that I really enjoy doing, and I want to do them all at once before I run out of time! Not to mention the cost behind it all. ARGH!! See why this stresses me? There are so many things I like, so many things I want to do, so many things I could do, so many things I can’t afford to do, and I have no idea how to figure out what I want more than anything else without wasting time being “young” doing it all….I don’t want to find I’m 50 and still testing the waters…sigh…I feel so frustrated that I wasn’t one of those people who were born just knowing!!
I really hope I wake up one day and all the dots in my life join up and present themselves in one clarifying moment of understanding…The only thing I am sure of in this world is that I am going to do something big. Remember that quote I once mentioned; “you live life once, but if you do it right, once is enough”? I stand by that whole heartedly. I hope one day when I replay the movie of my life it’ll be damn worth watching!